‘True Blood’ Ended And I’m All Weird Inside [SPOILERS, YA’LL!]

Lisa Waugh

For me and the people who crawled through the Billith era and made it to the bitter end of True Blood, last night’s series finale was, well, as flaccid as this whole last season but it was still kind of sad to see the sun go down on Bon Temps.

Member that time when Pam and Eric did it?

Member that time when Pam and Eric did it and then she made him turn her into a vampire so she wouldn’t have to be an old hooker?

Yep, there was so much wasted time in this final season. Like on shit such as day-playing Hep V vamps, ghost Tara digging holes in her old backyard in order to reveal a very stupid storyline that undermined just how amazing Rutina Wesley has been, all of Bill’s goddamn flashbacks, random and abrupt exits and deaths – Sam and that girl he knocked up, Alcide, Tara. Hell, Eggs got a better send off than Tara. Remember Eggs?

Here were the notable highlights and disappointments from Sunday’s series finale of True Blood:

I didn’t get my wish. Eric and Pam did not kill off all the cast and then laugh gleefully into the camera for 50 minutes while Ginger screamed and barnacled herself to Eric’s leg.

But…the world’s most blonde/Nordic dynamic vamp duo did get an infomercial for their Sarah Newlin-infused New Blood that is just as awkward as any Zumba shit out there complete with a cheesy 1000-year old vampire Viking grin.

The only time we cared about Sookie was when she was under Eric

The only time we cared about Sookie was when she was under Eric

I also love that now that Eric and Pam are freaking gazillionaires they still continue to run Fangtasia. Can’t they buy an island and screw models forever? No. They choose Shreveport and a place that they were given as punishment.

Nicely done, everyone. But why no Ginger? Is she recovering from her 4 seconds of humping Eric on his throne? Probably. Oh, Ginger. Rub some Mazzy Star on it and wait a few days.

There was Eric’s bloody, car dance face with a bunch of dead Yakuza slung in the backseat and it was so awesome I squealed in a Swedish accent. This is one of the best Eric Northman moments…ever.

Also, Pam’s eyebrow got in a lot of arching. She arched so hard, they had to pay her eyebrow an extra SAG fee.

We spent more time than I cared to with Sarah Newlin. Who. Gives. A. Fuck. Way too much screen time for a character that we didn’t need to see except for when Eric cures himself with her blood and when he flings her through the air.

Either Eric should have toyed with her heart/mind/body before making her their basement-dwelling sex slave or cut it out altogether and have Pam recap. Something like, “Blah blah blah. Sarah Newlin. Blah.”

Bill was much more likable when he had sideburns and better story lines

Bill was much more likable when he had sideburns and better storylines

I was chanting “Kill Bill!” at Sookie the entire episode until she actually did. And then I had weird feelings about it.

I’ve been so over Bill for the longest time and he’s just the worst. It started out so sweet between these two but did real life marriage and twins suck the on-screen energy out of these two bobble heads?

The big deal of the whole thing with Bill is that he wants to die.

Bill asks Sookie to kill him with her fairy ball before he actually succumbs to the Hep V that is coursing through his Civil War body and because True Blood makes this shit up while high, doing so will un-fairy her and Bill wants that because she can then lead a normal life and annoy some human guy, somewhere.

If you want to understand what all of that means, you have to put in the time I have. I’m not going to cut up your meat for you.

Anyway, when Sooks refuses to give up her fairy powers, I’m all like, “Good for you.” And then when Bill still insists that she give him the true death, I’m thinking, “That’s kind of harsh, Bill. Can’t you just stake yourself like a true, undead Southern gentleman?”

But that would have meant that Stephen Moyer and his wife Anna Paquin wouldn’t have their last scene together. And we’re fresh out of Hoyssica material since they got flash-married because Bill made a puppy-dog, I’m-dying-over-here face and guilt tripped the shit out of Jessica into a non-legal ceremony with eraserhead Hoyt performed by Sheriff Andy.

The only time we cared about Sookie and Bill was when they were making out with Eric

The only time we cared about Sookie and Bill was when they were making out with Eric

Real quick, I love when Bill and Andy are talking in Bill’s Ann-Rice’s-straight-son-decorated-my-study study and Bill is telling Andy what to do with the house and how Jessica and Hoyt can live there.

Andy’s line is, “Copy that, Vampire Bill.” I’m going to miss you Sheriff Andy. Hope your fairy daughter grows up to be awesome and not end up as some vampire’s snack pack.

But back to the very real – real for this show, anyway – way that Sookie crawled down into the freshly-dug grave and staked Bill. I had been wanting Bill dead but in his final moments, just lying there with Sookie straddling him with that stake, I felt, well, like I didn’t want him to die at all.

I wanted this character to maybe go into business with Arlene and start their own Fangtasia after hours at Bellefleur’s. They could experiment with light BDSM and dollar jello shots. Maybe consult with Eric and Pam on how to bring in a whole new crowd. Or any fucking crowd.

Anything to lighten Bill up and make us not want to smack him with the DVD of the live version of The Sound of Music. I went there. So what?

90s Jason Priestly Eric...squee!

90s Jason Priestley Eric…squee!

But there were way too many old timey Bill flashbacks and billboards with that one single, bloody tear running down Sookie’s face to not see that the only place  for Bill to go was vampire heaven via a wooden coffin full of Bill goo with Sookie kneeling in it.

And then I felt really terrible for Sookie. She went to a wedding and a funeral in one day with two costume changes (she also wore this dress to Terry’s funeral so even Sookie’s got that one funeral dress) and two hairstyles and she didn’t back off from doing what Bill asked her to do. At least she wore sensible flats as she crawled down into that dark hole next to Bill.

Lafayette breaks the news to Tara, "Hookah, the writers gonna fuck us up."

Lafayette breaks the news to Tara, “Hookah, the writers gonna fuck us up.”

Sookie was a true fairy, ex-girlfriend-rebound-because-death girlfriend to the end. Let’s give her one last, “Sooookeh!” for the road, shall we. This wee telepathic, light ball-throwing Southern waitress is a mensch. Sometimes.

RIP Bill. I hope you are somewhere in character heaven boring the shit out of Caroline and Grandma Stackhouse while Tara teaches you how to dance cause like, damn, son. You cannot dance.

I really wanted a lot of things from True Blood’s last season. But it was clear that Alan Ball and his writers do what they want. Mainly, I just wanted a lot of Eric and Pam. They are the only two reasons I have watched this train wreck of a show for seven seasons.

The one-liners, the outfits, the gleeful brutality, the whimsical approach to sex…these two have counterbalanced what could have been an absolute hog wallow of sap.

I will miss you Eric and Pam. But I’m glad the mess that was this series and flopsy-headed Vampire Bill has died the true death.

Goodbye, True Blood. You were strange, revolutionary and we all love/hated you.

Now, Eric? Bloody dance face us out of here.