The Crack That is ‘True Blood’ [SPOILERS, HOOKAH!]

by Lisa Waugh

I’m a late comer to a show that has more coming in it than a 1986 rest stop bathroom in Anniston, Alabama.

I caught a few minutes of the show when it first hit the air and I was convinced that this show, with its terrible Southern accents and the grown up chick from The Piano which she totally won an Oscar for, was not my thing.

Sure, she can take it in the face and she was cute in the goose movie but we're not watching because of Sooks

Sure, she can take it in the face and she was cute in the goose movie but we’re not watching because of Sooks

Then we got cable again after a long draught and Time Warner threw in HBO. As I waited for Game of Thrones to fire back up, I started watching True Blood.

I hated it. It bugged me. But I couldn’t stop watching it.

By the time the series rammed into Season 4, a total, fucking train wreck, I was still watching even though I may be growing a brain tumor because of that season.

Despite the fact that my brain was also atrophying, I kept on watching. My husband dropped out after three episodes of Season 1 and would pop in during my binge watching and stop for a few seconds. “I don’t get it. I thought she was telepathic. But she’s a fairy too and she’s gotta marry this Warlow dude?” He shook his head and took himself away from the confusing madness.

He did start watching Alexander Skarsgård movies, though, but with less fairy/vampire and werewolf three ways.

I…I was lost in the True Blood void. I found myself in the crack alley of recap sites, feeding off of Meredith Woerner’s strong pimp hand at i09.com

If I have to be truly honest, I watch True Blood because of Eric Northman and Pam (I love this chick – Kristin Bauer van Straten) and the Jason Stackhouse (played by the delightful Ryan Kwanten) sexual situations and dumb jokes and that time he totally got it on with Eric – in his mind.tumblr_n8pou5t7nk1sfnddmo2_r1_500

I also liked Hoyt and Jessica. But if this were the Bill and Sookie Show, I’d have spent less than 20 minutes before moving on to Treme. Yeah, it would be that bad.

No offense to Bill Moyer and Anna Paquin. They are fine people I’m sure but there’s only so much of this sister act that a person can take. Plus Sound of Music Live that time. Fucking hell. At least they got some twins out of the deal.

I will say, if there were an Alexander Skarsgård channel (and there is in my mind), I’d probably ruin my flat screen by never leaving this place and having this Nordic godsnack burned into my screen.

Even as I type that, I think…does it really come down to that? It can’t be. Can it? Have I de-evolved? Because during the latest episode, I squealed when I saw 80s Ginger and Angel Terry and Bill be glad to see Eric. I almost didn’t want to punch Sookie. And I’m pissed at how they so clumsily 86’d Tara in the first episode of this season. But was kind of glad when they killed Alcide. That story was going nowhere.

I’m going to stop here. Because I think I maybe be shrinking.

My scientific conclusion?

It’s official. I’m not special.

I’m just like every other muggle who loves straight dude on dude action and a town where humans and creatures get Hep V, vampires have delightful amnesia story lines, people get glammered, shape shift, give birth to multiple fairy babies on a pool table and make me sad to see the series end.

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