Okay Obama, way to fucking go! As if conspiracy theorists don’t have enough stuff to be paranoid about, now you pull some weird Big Brother crap with looking into people’s online activity?! Thanks to you, I’m now stuck listening to my roommate’s weirdo boyfriend Garreth go into another one of his five-hour conspiracy rants while shoving another copy of Harold Zinn (or whatever his name is) and his History Book for White Guys Who Wear Guatemalan Tie-Dyed Dashikis into my hand after work!
It was bad enough already with Garreth taking over MY TV in the living room that I PAID FOR to watch JFK and shitty homemade documentaries about some secret prison in Glendale (like anyone cares about prisons or Glendale)—but now all he talks about is this software surveillance program! I don’t even know what it is but thanks to Garreth’s need to educate people who hate him, I know the thing is called PRISM. Like it’s actually called PRISM! That’s maybe a great name if you’re some automotive professional in charge of coming up with shitty names for compact rental cars or if you’re some tired 80’s hippie that figured incense wasn’t enough and crystals were the new way to annoy people, but the name “PRISM” for being sneaks? The name is so lame it even screams lame logo.
Oh wow, another prism with light shining on it. BORING! How about calling the program something more interesting like PANTY RAIDER for getting into my private life? That would make it more exciting, dangerous and make for a cooler image on a Top Secret folder.
Oh, but it’s not about names or looking cool, it’s about rights and our privacy. Wah, wah! Well guess what people so upset about all this, I don’t use my computer at work if there’s something super important I don’t want my boss knowing I’m looking up. You know why? ‘Cause my boss already looks at everything I do on my computer and what I’m reading on Perez Hilton, but you don’t see me going to Hong Kong to whine about it. Only difference between what’s going on in the government and my office is that my boss doesn’t have some sneaky stupid name for what he does, he just calls it his “Right” as an employer. I call it his “Right” to be an asshole.
Speaking of Hong Kong, I was hoping this scandal was just gonna be some big story to derail us from something really awful going on in the world–like war–but instead this guy Edward Snowden just had to show up and says he’s the whistleblower. Well good for you Edward! Now you can be the cover model for Conspiracy Theorist’s Weekly. Ugh! Just look at him! He’s so the perfect type for guys like Garreth to point to as proof of everything they’ve ever suspected the government of doing to put us all into jail. He’s almost too perfect—as if someone hired him off a movie set to pretend to be the whistleblower.
I mean, just look at him: he dresses way sharper than Garreth so Garreth thinks the public will consider him a respectable source; he loves to use the same big words Garreth uses to make everyone think he’s smart enough to untangle the CIA’s mighty web; and he sort of looks and sounds like Seth Rogen. Personally I am not swayed by guys who probably date girls that look like them, or guys with more than one friend who got out of tech to start one of those specialty brewing companies that make everything taste like bacon just ‘cause they saw it in a Sunset magazine.
You know what Edward, I know you’re trying to make everyone care that our lives are being hacked into by making videos in hotels, but that’s not gonna end the government being creepy stalkers. The only way we can stop Obama and every other president before and after him from doing it is by surrounding people in power with people like Garreth. Give them all one week with a tin-foil-hat wearing boyfriend taking over THEIR TV sets to watch some documentary on why Zapatista coffee is better than Starbucks, and trust me, they will open up about everything you ever wanted to know and promise to never be sneaks again.