Third Presidential Debate: Just Say “China”

Drunk LA Girl

Okay so yesterday was THANK GOD the last stupid presidential debate. And it was on a Monday, which was perfect ‘cause I already hate Mondays anyways, so who cares if I do something on that day that I’d rather not do. Since I got so sick of finding myself getting stuck watching the debates, I decided that this time I’d watch it ‘cause I planned to watch it and just do a drinking game with some friends to suffer through it.

The Boomtown Rats’ Bob Geldof doesn’t like Mondays either

I went to my friend Chris’ place down the street and hung out with him and his boyfriend, Ryan. Since it was supposed to be about international policies I figured I’d definitely get loaded if my game was that every time they say “China” I would do a shot.

Ryan said he’d do one for every number they said for every time they numbered their solutions, and Chris said he would do it anytime someone said the word “peace.”

No one is gonna talk about peace in an international debate. That’s when everyone has to be extra macho and let me know that they can kick a country’s ass for me. I told Chris to stop being a pussy and don’t ruin the game just ‘cause he didn’t want to get a hangover for work the next day. He works in HR, it’s not like anyone acts sober there anyway.

But guess what? Chris and Ryan got hammered less than halfway through the debate. Me? I was stuck sober and watching forever. Seriously, “peace” got about 12 shots before I finally got one on “China.” I’m sorry, when did Republicans care more about peace than Democrats? If political parties are gonna change, then give me the heads up. I hate change.

And then, I don’t know if the moderator died and just stayed sitting there but he didn’t help me any. He couldn’t keep the guys on track.

Say “peace” one more time

If I was him I would have said, “Will you guys stop talking about the economy here and our education system?! It’s supposed to be about foreign policy and I need to get wasted!”

Good for you Romney that Massachusetts is so smart! But obviously you didn’t get educated there ‘cause from what I can tell no one explained the difference between foreign and domestic to you.

And don’t get smarmy about it, Obama—you were no better. You kept egging him on with all of your facts on Massachusetts and who got what done when. Who cares!

Seriously these guys totally wasted my time. Romney just kept bringing up the Olympics—that was years ago Mitt! And Obama loved showing off how he knows the 80’s, 50’s and what kinds of weapons like bayonets and stuff they used back in the old days.

And then something came up about trying to get certain countries in the Middle East to treat women equally. You guys can’t do that. You know why? Have you ever dated a guy from over there? I haven’t. You know why? ‘Cause they don’t treat women equally. And I’m not gonna change them. You know why? ‘Cause I’m not stupid enough to waste my youth on them. Just talk about “CHINA!” I NEED MY SHOT!

As I stepped outside Chris’ apartment to meet my cab, I decided to see if the flooring was made in China. Never found out.

Then Mitt actually told Obama during the debate that now wasn’t the time to attack him. But it’s a debate. It’s about attacking. You guys aren’t on television to come up with answers to save the world ‘cause nobody cares about that, everyone just wants their side to win.

Why do you think you wear those tacky gift shop flag pins? We all know what country you’re in. But I guess Romney wanted everyone to know that he’s super sure of where he lives because his flag was bigger than Obamas.

Thank God though, “China” showed up at the end of the debate. And it showed up hard. Too hard. In less than half an hour I got 23 shots in. By the time I was able to get up and throw up, the whole thing was over.

So I had to watch almost the entire thing sober and then get so wasted that the rest of my night was ruined and so was my diet ‘cause had to eat some greasy ass pizza to survive “China.” All ‘cause two guys who were supposed to have some major battle over foreign stuff bored the shit out of everyone with Israel and domestic issues.

Ugh! I hate Mondays!