We all loved Jordan Catalano. My So-Called Life was well done and fairly accurate because I was Rayanne up until 2003. We all suspected that Jared Leto had the same IQ as Jordan. Sure, he’s been freaking mesmerizing in Requiem for a Dream, Mr. Nobody and of late, Dallas Buyer’s Club. He won that Oscar thingy.
But why do I still feel like Leto is that narcissistic dude who is secretly douchey and that part of his method act is pretending not to be the guy I thought he was. If that’s true. That would make me sad. And I’d have to go find another Jesus-like man child for my spank bank. It’s a lapsed Catholic thing.
So I decided to interview myself to get to the bottom of this.
Me: Does it matter if Jared Leto is a douche?
Me: It does not.
Me: Why are you writing this article?
Me: I don’t know. I kind of have a thing for Jared Leto now. Something about seeing him in drag broke something in me.
Me: Kind of a self-serving excuse to write about something during Oscar season, don’t you think? Cause you watched Nebraska and other high-brow movies. You could write about that.
Me: I know. It was great but Bruce Dern flashes in my head every time I hear Blue Oyster Cult’s “Don’t Fear the Reaper.” Plus, I’m busy having these really involved thoughts about Jared Leto grouting my…bathroom.
Me: You realize you’re like a grown-up, right?
Me: No. I had not realized that. I’m going to go read the Economist to prove you wrong.
Me: Look, I see that I’ve offended you. You’re right to a degree?
Me: I am?
Me: Yeah, Did you see his doc called Artififact? It actually didn’t suck. He’s a likable guy. I get it. But you gotta shower this week. Leave the house for a minute. Buy some groceries. Cigarettes and Pop Tarts kill.
Me: Okay. Thanks for not being too much of a cunt. But now that I think about it, when I see him out and about or swinging a mic over his head caterwauling out lyrics during a Thirty Seconds to Mars tour I think…he’s kind of smarmy.
Me: Again, I ask you…does this matter?
Me: It does not.
Me: Let’s go have some gin.
Well, as you can see the debate is raging and stuff over whether Leto is awesome or unawesome. Okay, time to put on pants.