Drunk LA Girl
Okay so last night some friends of mine invited me over for some pizza and beer and I was really excited to just hang out and pretend my week never happened when I walked in and saw that they had the stupid vice presidential debates on. You have got to be fucking kidding me! I’m gonna vote, okay! Leave me alone, stupid debates! My friends even TiVo’d it so we could start from the beginning and replay anything we missed like that was a good thing.
I would have run out but it took me 45 minutes to get there when it usually takes me 15 minutes cause for the first time in a year it rained in LA and when it rains in LA, everyone forgets their positive thinking confidence-boosting therapy and turns into retarded cry-babies who don’t know how to drive.
And I couldn’t do my usual stand-outside-and-smoke-cause-I-don’t want-to-talk-to-anyone move cause I forgot my cigarettes. Why? Because I thought I was going to have a good time. Instead I’m stuck in a house with my two friends, Tom and Andra, and some pregnant friend of theirs who kept acting like debates were fun.
Okay, stop trying to act so interesting and intelligent okay–it’s not gonna help your baby be any smarter. So I sat there with the three of them and tried to talk about something else, thinking that watching the debates was like watching the Super Bowl, ’cause in case you didn’t know, no one watches the Super Bowl.
But they would just answer me quickly, like politely saying, “Shut up,” and rewinded back to the part I spoke over. Really? You needed to know that he said “law” instead of “ler”?
Fine, I decided I’d just take in all those extra calories and carbs and drink up as much of my friends’ beer as possible to watch these debates while waiting for
traffic to die down.
So here’s the recap so we can get this over with and I don’t have to hear about it ever again:
This debate was way better than the presidential debates last week that’s for sure. Everyone was talking about how great Romney was last week but Romney was just better in a boring debate. This one was more fun cause at least one person in the debate was having a good time.
That older guy Biden was at some party I wish I had been at instead of watching that stupid debate. I don’t know why he was having such a good time though–it would suck to be sitting at a small table with two people who aren’t having as good of a time as you.
The woman moderating was especially serious. She was like some kind of tough elementary school teacher who doesn’t treat kids like babies and lets them fight it out for a bit for their own good because she knows she can step in whenever and take control again—which this woman did. I had a team lead like that once–you do not mess with bitches like that.
And then the younger guy, Ryan, he looked like one of those guys on the debate team in high school. His suit was way too big for his body, and he was trying too hard to be an adult. I hate it when kids try to act grown-up by acting boring. And why does everyone say he’s hot? Seriously, I would not go out with him. He’d be the guy at the bar that was dragged there by his friend to have a good time but you
know the whole time he wished he was somewhere else. Fine then! Go somewhere else!
You’re young, Ryan! What’s your problem?! I’ve seen guys like you at the law firms around my building and even those guys look more fun. And I hate people who don’t know how to smile. I mean Biden smiles a little too well, and if he wasn’t old I’d call him a douchey salesman, but at least he was laughing along with that perfect smile so it was okay.
And even though watching this debate sucked for me, it obviously didn’t suck for him. He just kept taking control of the debate. I know some people will say he was being really condescending but you know what, I would too if I was trying to have a good time and some kid from the debate team was trying to make everything suck.
And I loved that Biden kept interrupting the young guy. First of all, it made the debate more fun. Second, he was really good at it. You know why? ‘Cause he drinks. When you’re drinking and people bring up stupid shit you call ’em out on it ‘cause otherwise you’ll forget to later, just like everything else. Plus it’s really important ’cause when you’re drinking everything is.
So yeah, basically Biden mauled Ryan, throwing facts like crazy. Ryan just kept talking about fear and that we were supposed to be afraid of the people who tell us we should be afraid. I don’t know what else he was saying.
And Biden kept talking to me through the TV, but I’m not old, so I don’t want to hear about retirement. And finally, what was up with that question at the end about the guy in the military who was so upset about how negative this presidential race is? Is he five? Has he never seen a presidential race?
Every four years we get these babies who get so sad ‘cause elections gets so dirty. Does everyone have fucking amnesia in this country? It’s bad in every election–and don’t tell me this year is worse cause you said that last election. If you don’t know that politics get ugly, then you don’t know politics and you shouldn’t vote.
God. I hate everyone.