I don’t know if it’s the English accents politely answering questions about how to insert an oversized butt plug – tip: lube, lube, lube – or the loud tapping of an extra hard butt plug on the edge of her desk by the delightful Andrea in the Returns Department of sex toy provider Lovehoney but I love a show that covers butt plugs from this many angles.
Between cups of tea and biscuits, the staff at Lovehoney demonstrate why they are one of the most formidable online sex toy companies on the planet and the largest in the UK.
But not everything is about size with Lovehoney. The company is dedicated to their customers in a way that is surprising in this day and age. I can’t get Verizon to admit a cock up when they lost a cell tower in my neighborhood and had to call in 35 times to get a resolution but Lovehoney allows you to return products up to a year.
This is why the Returns Department is my favorite aspect of the show. The trio in this department read the letters that come with the soiled, broken, ill-fitting (it is common for people to order huge dildos and other strange things whilst drunk in the wee hours of the morning) and the just plain weird.
Most popular returned item? BAM. A gigantic black dildo. I’m not sure if the porn star it’s named after can find trousers to fit but many people find their eyes are bigger than their orifi. It would take a special person to handle BAM. Asked what she would do with a dildo that big, Andrea – a former bartender – says, “I’d use it as a door stop.”
The Returns Dept have lots of jokes and uses for the returned toys. Some go in the bin. Some are used as paperweights or rubber band holders. And some are repurposed for free stuff Fridays. I’m sure they clean it off.
Every department at Lovehoney seems to shine. Besides the sharp-witted marketing team, there are the award-winning customer care girls – and two boys – are attentive, kind and knowledgeable about every gadget they sell.
They are also called upon for their wisdom about the reproductive system. Because you know how it goes in school. That poster of the sperm showing up with flowers to call upon the egg wearing a wedding dress leaves out a few details. I guess if your Google is broken or there are no books in your neighborhood, these ladies are the next best thing.
One caller asks if he can get his wife pregnant even if he doesn’t have a full erection. One of the more deadpan of the Customer Care girls says, “Well, yeah, if sperm reaches the cervix. You can get her pregnant.”
Just like the sperm’s journey to find a forever home, Lovehoney’s journey from a small start up in Bath to sex toy world dominator is equally explosive.
Far from f-word spewing, this is about as “shocking” as Frisky Business gets