Drunk LA Girl is Back and Talking About Guns

Drunk LA Girl

Can we finally just outlaw all guns so we can get this stupid debate over with?! It’s not that hard. If you love guns and just have to destroy things then maybe wean yourself off that shit by using an arrow, or throw some rocks instead. It’s like cigarettes—I’m stuck with the patch since smoking’s been banned in bars; I don’t like it, but I’m not gonna cry about it and go through the trouble of starting a lobbying group so I can stay on a diet while giving people cancer.

Obviously the real gun problem isn’t guns, it’s that everyone cares more about sounding obsessive and crazy rather than doing anything about all the bad stuff going on; if they did care, something would have been done a long time ago.

Guns hurt you here, mmmkay?

Like the other day, I was trying to watch Good Day LA when the president came on and took over television just to talk about guns and tragedy. Good day to you too, Mr. President! Okay, sure it’s a nightmare what happened at that elementary school, but what about all those people who got killed during the last Batman movie; why weren’t people talking about changing laws then?

Okay, sure I hate AMC’s ‘cause they have way too many ads for TV shows I hate and they have that nasty nacho plate some idiot always spills on my seat, but still… more people hang out at AMC’s than elementary schools.

And then to know you could get shot during a midnight screening?! Scary and embarrassing. But of course nobody cares as much about that shooting  ‘cause the movie theater was filled with adults not children. People only get super angry and talk about doing things when it has to do with anyone who uses babysitters. It’s like people are obsessed with kids. Everyone I know has turned into those parents with “Baby on Board” signs—as if without a kid it would be okay to crash into their cars. You know what? Psychos will shoot you if you’re a kid or not just like I’d crash into you with or without a baby.

Hey babe, I’m totally going to find those Totinos this time

And then there’s all my High School Facebook “Friends” from home that I never hung out with, but who swamp my wall with God and gun talk. They keep sending me posts from those outdated weirdos from the NRA. Why would anyone share anything they have to say? They’ve been using the same excuses for guns since the 90’s. Really? Video games, music, movies—they cause violence not guns?

Face it—even if someone was dumb enough to be “made” to want to kill people after watching violent movies and video games, if he lived in a world without guns he’d have a harder time with it. Oh yeah, scary–guy walks in with 50 steak knives at a public hangout. I mean sure, a couple of people would maybe get killed, but it wouldn’t be 20!

And what about their other excuses? Hunting? Okay, I have gone out with a LOT of guys and the only thing I ever saw them hunt for were Totino’s Pizza Rolls in the back of their freezer. Self-defense? Sorry Mr. ‘Head of NRA’ but women, who get harassed more than men, less of us carry guns and don’t cry about it. You know why? Because when someone scary shows up in my face I scream and then the new guy I’m dating beats his ass up. And if he doesn’t, I break up with him. Are you all just too big of pussies to fight like men? God… I hate people who can’t take care of things with their own hands.

At least the whole “put armed guards in elementary schools“ idea was more original, even if it’s the craziest dumbest idea I’ve ever heard. Who hangs out with kids for longer than an hour and doesn’t want to kill them? There’s no way you’ll get enough armed guards to guard the kids against the armed guards originally put there to guard the kids if one of them goes nuts from dealing with all those slobbering obnoxious little kids every single day.

Kids are cute, right?

Makes no sense to me—but then again the NRA isn’t supposed to make sense. I mean think about it…NRA defends guns—not puppies, or salmon—they defend things that kill. What a waste of time! Do they think guns are helpless? Obviously the NRA’s Wayne LaPierre doesn’t know guns.

Guns don’t need to be defended by anybody—they’re guns. They can defend themselves. If I were a gun I’d be like, “Shut up old man. The solution to my problem isn’t you, it’s more of me!”

So let’s just forget about hanging out at elementary schools or midnight movies (lame!) and get rid of guns for real reasons like: I, a childless adult, don’t want to die. ‘Cause I swear to God, if

I can’t go out and get shitfaced without being afraid I’ll get shot, I’m gonna be seriously pissed off and roll my eyes every time you gun defenders say something on Piers Morgan Tonight or post something else on my Facebook wall. As for my High School FB “Friends” I never liked to begin with, consider yourselves removed.

I know you can’t tell when you’ve been taken off my Friends list, so let me make it clear who’s been deleted:

Bo Branson

Lizzy Evans

Carl Leonard

Peter Wasser

Michelle Bolton (I always hated your face)

Ben Stimple

and Mark Rodriguez


Thanks for wasting my time having to de-friend you. I’m so mad I’m gonna go smoke a Marlboro Light with my patch on.