Blanche Tackles Ball Scabs

Relationship “Expert” Blanche Légère

Sorry kids,

I’ve been unable to answer your letters because I’ve been passed out on my bathroom floor for over a week now. I can’t get any real sleep, not in my very own bedroom because I have new neighbors. New neighbors who have been keeping me up all hours of the night partying and burning coconut/cotton candy scented incense.

Coconut cotton candy stripper incense is harder to light than you think

So much headache inducing, sleep-stealing incense, that my apartment smells like someone’s mulched a stripper in a fog machine. But I love you kids, so before I get shipped away to yet another nervous hospital for lack of sleep, I wanted to take time to answer a few letters.



Dear Ask Blanche:

Creamy and spreadable… on everything

I cut my sack while shaving my ball hairs. I cut my fuzz ’cause the ladies like it shorn! Anyway, the cuts are scabby and I want to pick at them but they need to heal up so I can present the wonder of my smoothness to my lady. Can you suggest a salve?


Dearest Larz,

Raw Organic Coconut oil is the answer! It’s the answer to a lot of things. Believe it or not, I’m very health conscious. Sure, I pickle my liver, but I also pickle the bounty from my organic vegetable garden at the end of every summer.

And as part of my health routine, I use raw organic coconut oil for any skin condition I might contract/encounter. I don’t believe we should put anything on our bodies that we wouldn’t put in our mouths, and if your lady friend is anything like me: It’s great news for your balls! Oh, and Larz, save up your nut nest, I’d be happy to repurpose your pubes for my compost pile.

Go ahead and mail your clippings to:

FBI Los Angeles
11000 Wilshire Boulevard
Suite 1700
Los Angeles, CA 90024


I work at Trader Joe’s. I keep sleeping with all of the customers, girls and guys. It’s a great job with lots or organic products and tons of great ass. Should I feel bad?

Dearest 2FuckChuck,

No. See you later tonight?





My boss wants me to close every night so we can have sex in the salad bar before we clean up. He’s much younger than me. I’m divorced and have three kids. He thinks the Matrix is a classic film. How long should I keep shucking his baby corn?

Dearest Sizzler,

You don’t have a lot of time, and you don’t have a lot of money! But, I suggest you quit your job, drop your kids off at your ex’s, and go out for a pack of smokes…in Paris.

Hairspray is also a great way to remove stains from culottes


I’m 92, my husband just died. My new man (met him at the funeral) wants to try anal sex. Should I?

Dearest DessertRose,

That Depends® on you…Seriously, if you have backdoor love, make sure that you have a pair of Depend® undergarments on you. It doesn’t matter if you’re 92 or 22, accidently shitting yourself after anal is quite common, and you don’t want to get Santorum all over your new culottes.

Which reminds me; use lube! Raw organic coconut oil is a great choice! Though the oil will eat through latex, so you might not want to wear your brand new Gimp mask during your sex act, especially if you want to keep it shiny for the next underground square dance club meeting.