I don’t like my family but I’ve been pretending for years that I do. This year, I plan to let them know in detail just how much they suck.
And that I’m sick of them. How should I go about that? Is there a certain Emily Post kind of way to do this?
You should totally let your family know that they suck! And this year, might I suggest being a little bit country, and a little bit rock and roll in your approach.
I think you should embroider pillows with your grievances on them and give them out as gifts. You know, a sentence or two that sums up your feelings.
Feelings like, “Aunt Betty, I hate you because every time you kiss me goodbye, I have to keep my teeth clenched together so that you can’t get your tongue into my mouth” And, “Dear Marie, if your pitch were as tight as you face, we’d still have a show.”
We love to go to Disney World at 6 am to wait for the gates to open. We have breakfast with Cinderella. Then we spend all day riding every single ride and watching every single parade and hugging every single character in the park.
Sometimes we witness to the kids inside the costumes if we feel that they are on the path to some of the wrong life decisions. Then we have lunch with Snow White. Then we buy lots of Disney toys and mementos. Then we sing our songs next to the Matterhorn.
Then we have dinner with Goofy. This year, we’d like for you to join us. When can we pick you up?
It might fix your marriage.
Count me in! I would love to go with you at 6am and wait for the gates (of hell) to open up!
I’m going to make gluten free fruitcake. No one can stop me.
That’s really not a question. I just wanted to let you know.
Dearest Bootsy Jenkins,
Oh no, now no one will eat it.
What is your favorite creepiest Christmas song?
I’m not sure about favorite Christmas Song, but the creepiest one has to be the last song you remember hearing as you start to black out, while going down on a mall Santa. So for me, this year, it’s the South Coast Plaza elevator’s version of “Gangnam Style” by PSY.
I resolve not to over photoshop pictures of myself and to stop making troll comments on CNN news stories.
And to not make an album ever again.
What are your New Year’s resolutions?
Dearest Scott Stapp,
I usually only make resolutions over a toilet full of undigested pie and bourbon, but this year maybe I’ll try it the other way, too.
This year, my New Year’s resolution will be to trust my instincts, and not that lady I went to Disney World with who has a clown car for a vagina! Perhaps if I leave my mediocre marriage, god won’t punish me by making me a lonely, obese star in an episode of Hoarders.
Perhaps god will just be all, “Dude, I may or may not exist, but it’s up to you to believe in yourself and trust that you can make yourself happy…now please stop bothering me! And in the future, I only want to hear you screaming my name if you’re having a REAL orgasm.
K thanx, xo god!”